When you’re young and/or you don’t have a lot of life experience, making major life decisions is often difficult because what feels right to you internally doesn’t always align with what parents, society, and friends are urging you to do. I wrestled with this and learned the hard way that making decisions guided by the approval of others leads to misery.
In an earlier post I wrote about the first life-changing, strong intuitive hit I received when I was a high school student visiting NYC with my parents. What I left out is that I felt that “this is where you’re supposed to be” pull at Barnard College, the women’s college of Columbia University. When I stepped foot on Columbia’s campus, I didn’t like it – it felt big, cold, and impersonal. However, I applied to both and was fortunate to be accepted to both. I prefered Barnard and my intuition was pulling me there, but everyone around me said, “If you get into Columbia, you go to Columbia.” They also gave me more scholarship/grant money.
This was the first major life decision I made largely based on logic and the opinions of others and I suffered for it. Columbia College was exactly what my intuition told me it would be: cold, impersonal – an easy place for a quiet girl from MN to get lost and I did. I was lucky in that Barnard and Columbia are both a part of Columbia University so I was still able to take classes at Barnard and mingle with the students there. Ironically, by my senior year, most of my classes were at Barnard and by graduation, most of my close friends were Barnard students rather than those at Columbia College. I never fit at Columbia College but let the need for the approval of others guide me there. I spent the next 9 years making life and career decisions using that faulty compas of external validation.
I pursued the internships, jobs, and companies that looked most impressive – my first job out of college was at TIME magazine! I was only interested in dating men who worked at investment banks and had preferably graduated from ivies or top tier schools…and I was a mess. I rose up the ranks at work but was pretty mediocre in my roles because I was choosing what LOOKED good rather than letting my natural gifts and instincts guide me. My romantic relationships were garbage because I was dating resumes rather than people. I missed out on several golden opportunities during that time because of my shallow obsession with what soceity deemed “success.”
Eventually though, I started to wise up. The whispers of the universe got louder and louder until I could no longer ignore the fact that the choices I was making were not in alignment with my inner guidance. Buying my co-op in Harlem was my first minor flext against others’ perceptions as most of my bougie friends and colleagues thought I was crazy to buy in that part of town. My gut was screaming to me that the place was special, though, and my mom also visited and gave it her blessing, so I pushed forward.
The next test was a couple of years later when I was given the opportunity to go to graduate school. Many of my friends from undergrad were dishing out big bucks to go to big name grad schools like Duke, Wharton, and Yale. I was in a very specialized field of market reserach and enjoyed it, so despite peer pressure to get my MBA – my own analysis didn’t support taking two years out of the workforce to get a generic degree. Nonetheless I applied to 3 programs: UCLA, Northwestern, and The University of Georgia. I got into all three…UCLA gave me zero money, Northwestern offered a 50% grant, and UGA gave me a full ride plus a living stipend of $1,000/mos. The program at Georgia was also just one year so I’d be back into the work force more quickly.
I dragged one of my New York besties to Atlanta with me to visit. We drove the 45 minutes to Athens, GA and she HATED it…she hated Atlanta too. I felt an odd sense of connection to the place. It wasn’t an immediate “I love it” but more of a gentle “I could live here.” I prayed on it, I did the math, I looked at things logically – Georgia made the most sense. I still agonized over the decision, my friends all thought I was crazy, to them no one left New York to move to Athens, GA and no one passed up Northwestern for UGA. My parents (the most wonderful parents ever), drove with me to Athens to get settled. I needed to buy a car and find a place to live. I remember sitting at Panera bread and crying like a baby – so overwhelmed by the weight of going against everyone’s expectations. My dad had wanted me to stay in New York. My mom had wanted me to go to Northwestern, where her own parents had met while attending grad school.
The tears passed and I went on to have one of the best years of my life at The University of Georgia. I loved Athens, I loved Atlanta, I loved my classes and professors. I loved UGA and the infectious school spirit that radiated the campus. This was my first lesson in how powerfully the universe rewards us when we follow internal guidance. The great recession started right as I was graduating, so if I had done an expensive 2 year program I’d likely still be in debt. Instead, I got a solid six figure job in my desired industry and moved on with very little debt. I eventually settled back in Atlanta and discovered a life infinitely happier and more soulful than anything I had in New York. I connected with people based on mutual interests and personality rather than resumes and that led to meeting my spouse and a wonderful circle of supportive friends.
Now, whenever I need to make a major decision – beyond looking at the hard facts (those matter too), I take several moments of deep meditation/prayer to try to understand how each choice makes me feel. No matter how appealing or prestigious something is to others, say no to anything that doesn’t feel as good as it looks. This is one of the most important lessons that the universe wants all of us to learn.
Tips to guide your discovery process: make a list of past life decisions you’ve made – were they guided by YOU or the opinions of others? Focus especially on the decisions that have yielded the most joy and those that led to the most unhappiness/discomfort. From there, rewind and try to remember how you felt when making each of those choices – were there signs from the universe that you may have missed? Did you override a quiet voice within yourself? Identify the cues from your past and make a promise to yourself to listen and follow that guidance moving forward. The universe will take care of everything else.
Freelennial 